Dead & likes Rendang
Joined: Jun 2010
Member Number: 962
Home: Melbourne, Australia
Real Name: Uncle Ronald
ME: Ibanez RGs
MA: Cordoba Custom Flamenco
MB: Ibanez SR305
Rig: Peavey XXX
Thanked 176 Times in 46 Posts
The 101 Rules of Prog Metal is just as hillarious.
101 rules of Prog metal - Metal Storm
1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.
2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
3. Have contempt for mainstream music.
4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.
5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.
7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep.
8. If he doesnīt, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isnīt all bad.
10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.
11. If he hasnīt, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is NOT prog.
12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.
13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock." In any case, make sure that the person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldnīt have understood anyway.
14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don't necessarily have to.
15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned.
17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.
18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed.
19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers, tell him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk away defiantly.
20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.
21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies.
22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music now, why would I go back?".
23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.
24. Often state that you donīt only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.
25. Yeah...like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection...
26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.
27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal.
28. Be able to mention 20 bands noone has heard of, not even true prog fans. Own no releases of these bands.
29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.
30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.
31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.
32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They're not prog enough to get the music, what do they expect?
33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.
34. Make sure your bandname is either a
Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.
c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.
-Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can't get much progger than that)
-Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated
35. Don't worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional English grammar and instead focus on whatīs really important: The lyrics (see rule 36).
36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.
37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles:
"I'm staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a nightly mystery of soulburning apparition"
"Mornings' gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the sleeper ventriloquist"
"A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences."
38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo, regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being prog.
39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don't worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your mandatory instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really show the extent of his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of scales on an instrument like that!
40. Release a live-album called "Live in Tokyo".
41. Change time signatures. Constantly.
42. Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true progressive musician.
43. Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to convince youīre wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him that his tone is thin and buzzy.
44. State that Metallica canīt properly tweak the boogies. Theyīre so... unprog!
45. Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking shit about punk bands and how people don't understand your music.
46. Play a shitty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle of the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are both good choices, as is Erotomania.
47. When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges; hey, they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that boring pop band win?
48. Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the most technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament to your immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet community you happen to frequent.
49. When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy, proudly state that you "nail" the song in question.
50. People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in rule 49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a) your recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday, you don't need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good enough c) you don't know anything about computers (even though you sit by one most of the day), as you spend most of your day practicing your instrument.
51. Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them.
52. Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy FII(even the "proggier" songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch of concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out.
53. Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means every time their name is mentioned.
54. Donīt be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.
55. Do not move on stage. Don't under any circumstances forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.
56. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the drummer.
57. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking musical inteli...Yeah, you've got it now, haven't you?
58. Never ever under any circumstances say "Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence ruled."
59. Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog metal drummer. If they still insist, don't kill them, but rather put on the Mike Portnoy drum solo from 1993's "Live in Tokyo" vid, which still today is the benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre.
60. It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though.
61. Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!!! If all you have is a 4-piece with 3 crappy cymbals, then you donīt belong on stage. A 5-piece single bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even thatīs on the edges of bare bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!!!!
62. No, 6 toms are not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!
63. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company.
64. When someone asks you why prog metal isn't more popular if it is so darned good, tell them that it is because "it is over the mainstream peoples heads".
65. Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos for their immense talent.
66. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.
67. Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music, except lower forms of music like pop, rock 'n roll, blues, techno, trance, rap.
68. Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded.
69. Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>>, Jordan Rudess plays it, you have no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers you actually like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!!
70. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I'm talking about)
71. Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing. Show off with your *ahem* length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show off with anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for godīs sake.
72. Get a dog.
73. Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that other prog fans recognize your immense talent.
74. Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop rhythm where the singer yells "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN" several times.
75. Note that you can substitute "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN" for either of the following: "FATHER, MY ADOLESCENCY IS AGONNNNNYYYYYYY" or "THE APPARITION DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE". All three are suitable choices.
76. What do you mean, you haven't trigged your bassdrum?
77. Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive, best example would be Pink Floyd.
78. If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you prepare to do a "Varg", so to say.
79. During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the recording engineer and half of your band of not playing the song properly at least once.
80. Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic computer-drawn image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is illustrated by Travis Smith.
81. Write epics.
82. In case you didn't know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning a legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional city/world/pizza shop serves as a metaphor for this world.
83. Have racks with loads of equipment.
84. Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don't display them?
85. No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented on the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath.
86. Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell him/her that (s)he "will understand when (s)he matures"
87. When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having heard every lick you are able to play.
88. Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert.
89. In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is intelligent music for intelligent people.
90. No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20.
92. Buy new albums from past prog-greats.
93. When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them.
94. Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT.
95. Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1.
96. In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the benchmark for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and Words, the more progressive it is.
97. Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness. This is not optional.
98. Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs.
99. Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike Portnoy on drums.
100. If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him.
101. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For shame!!!!
And something that hits more closer to home for me...
101 Rules of Thrash Metal - Metal Storm
1. Be violent.
2. Be aggressive.
3. Show hate.
4. If you can't show hate, show some anger.
5. But not St. Anger.
6. You are forbidden to show emotions.
7. Well, you can show anger.
8. But not St. Anger.
9. Never, ever, under any circumstances smile. Smiling is gay.
10. Thus, Anthrax is the gayest band ever.
11. Sing about killing, raping, torturing and destroying people.
12. Have no courage for even killing an ant.
13. Old-School thrash is the only thrash.
14. Comeback albums are not.
15. Don't be James Hetfield.
16. Don't be Dave Mustaine.
17. DON'T listen to punk, punk is gay.
18. Secretly, listen to the Misfits.
19. Hate new bands, old-school thrash is the only thrash.
20. Hate crossovers, old-school thrash is the only thrash.
21. If you run out of ideas, remember: life sucks, goverment sucks, you reject this fucking place, you despise this fucking race.
22. No matter if you are 15, say that you remember seeing those news about the death of Cliff Burton.
23. Say that you cried.
25. 80's were the best time for thrash, try to be born in the 60's-70's to release your best album during that period.
26. Release your best album in 1986.
27. If you can't, you can do it in 1987.
28. After the 90's forget about thrash, 90's are so... unthrash!.
29. You have two options:
30. a) Split your band up.
31. b) Make some trash metal:
32. You can go heavy: anth... mega...
33. Or tribal: sepul...
34. Maybe industrial: krea...
35. Also country: met...
36. Even punky: sod...
37. If you split your band up in early 90's you've got permission to reform in early 2000's, and release one or two albums, then split again.
38. If you didn't break up, pretend to release a comeback album, after a decade of shit.
39. Kindly refer to rule #14, and madly to rule #5.
40. Own hundreds of old-school demos and albums.
41. Own Master Of Puppets.
42. Actually, listen only to this album.
43. Well, and maybe Reign in Blood.
44. Keep complaining about Metallica selling out.
45. Keep complaining about Megadeth selling out.
46. Keep complaining about [random bandname here] selling out.
47. Ballads are gay.
48. Naming a song "The Ballad" is even more GAY.
49. Keep this in mind, you were not a child.
50. And when you were, your childhood was full of sorrow.
51. But at least you didn't got molested, leave that for Nu Metal suckers.
52. Remember about your mother and father - and the undying spite you feel for them.
53. Acoustic guitars are limited to showing proeficiency, or intros/outros/interludes.
54. Release an album consisting of punk covers, this is not optional.
55. Remember, for riffs, you only have two strings, the 6th and 5th.
56. For solos you only have one, the 1st, maybe the 2nd.
57. You are forbidden to growl, unless you are from Germany.
58. Or from Brazil.
59. You are not Kreator, nor Sodom nor Destruction, and you never will be.
60. Try to be them.
61. Don't be death metal, death is dumb.
62. Don't be black metal, black is dumb.
63. Music theory? gimmie a break!!
64. Don't be progressive, progressive is dumb.
65. Hate any subgenre influenced by thrash, read rule #13.
66. Feel the fire of thrash burning your soul.
67. Not your body!!!!, read rule #15.
68. Look at you, your feelings turn stronger than hate!!!.
69. Sing a lot against religion, about killing Jesus and so on.
70. Claim to be roman catholic even if you do so.
71. Or claim to be atheist, and remember, Satan is funny, nazis were funny, serial killers are funny, shame on you Kerry King!
72. Only one member is allowed to sing.
73. Well, other members can scream at choruses.
74. Allowed words are: Die! Kill! Hell! Hey!
75. Don't have friends, friendship is gay.
76. Don't have girlfriends, that's gay.
78. Death metal's hostillity towards gayness is borrowed from thrash metal's. (read Death Metal rules, of course don't follow them).
79. When naming your favorite bands, always name Metallica first.
80. Forget about those bands which have the sound you have searched for years.
81. If you are from Brazil, name your band after a coffin related thing: Sepultura, Sarcófago, and so on.
82. San Francisco shores used to be good for writing thrash in the 80's.
83. Power-Thrash: what?! Aggressive dragons?
84. Death-Thrash: read rule 61.
85. Black-Thrash: haven't you read rule 62 yet? Also, black is so... unthrash
86. Progressive-Thrash: read rule 64
87. Post-Thrash: post-thrash is forbidden, read rule #13.
88. Secretly listen to Pantera.
89. I mean, secretly listen to their first albums.
90. Gotcha! You are gay!
91. No matter if it's legal now, sue Napster!!!
92. Asking for melodic thrash bands its the gayest thing that someone could ever do.
93. ---"Seriously, can you recommend me a melodic thrash band?"---
94. Death, Death Angel, Dark Angel, Morbid Angel, Morbid Saint - THESE BANDS ARE NOT THE SAME!!!
95. Five more to go!
96. Write rules for thrash metal, its a chick magnet.
97. Reading rules for thrash metal its also a chick magnet
98. Kill Bob Rock!
99. Ask Rick Rubin to do that.
100. Be enemy of your fellow thrashers.