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  1. #17


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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris View Post
    These days I prefer the APC stuff to Tool anyway. Catchy, short, asskicking tunes.
    So, old Tool?


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  3. #18


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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris View Post
    These days I prefer the APC stuff to Tool anyway. Catchy, short, asskicking tunes. <img src="https://www.metalguitarist.org/forum/images/smilies/yesway.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Yesway" class="inlineimg" />
    Have you heard their most recent album?!

    I think you mean nowadays you prefer APC from a decade ago

  4. #19


    Join Date: Feb 2010
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    Oh shit, new Tool, I'm going to go smoke weed in my basement with the bongwater stained carpet because this is just like, so far out man. I've got some posters in there that only reach their full potential when I turn on the black lights.

    So advanced. Sacred geometry. Look at the art man, it's a head with like, three eyes. That's at least one more eye than a human should have.

    This is music for intellectuals. True intellectuals. They change time signatures man. Do you know what a time signature is? It's like a regular signature, but with time. Literally a temporal John Hancock.

    Other bands don't even have time signatures.

    Have you ever thought about it man, that like, we are all time travelers, but the only direction we can travel is forwards?

    That's like fucked up man, but it's still kind of cool because technically we are time travelers.

    Tool has one song that changes time signatures and tempos at least 3000 times. Do you know how advanced that is man? Like, on a purely conceptual level? Changing time signatures that often is something only true geniuses can do, and every shitty grindcore band ever. Why would you write a song that's actually good in one time signature, when you could write a song that is literally the densest, most insufferable piece of shit ever with 3000 time signatures?

    That's a rhetorical question man. That's an intellectual term for a question that literally has no answer, the term was invented by a man name Rhett who was an oracle. Oracle is the fancy word for someone who can see the future. That's why it's called a Rhett-Oracle question. That's the only kind of question Tool asks. They don't even ask it yet, they ask it in the future. Tool songs are answers to questions from the future that haven't even been asked yet man.

    Their album is called 10,000 days, because it's like, symbolic man. Do you know what symbolism is? It's really advanced. Maynard James Keegnan is like, a philosopher. He's like Arichstoldelmedes but with a power bro-metal voice and super advanced lyrics about numbers and making tie-dye shirts. Do you even know how long 10,000 days is? It's at least a year and a half. Maybe more.

    You ever notice how other music is like, manufactured? As opposed to Tool, a shitty alternative metal band that rose to prominence in the early 90s when shitty alternative metal was a profitable genre every major label was pushing super hard.

    Tool isn't music for sheeple man. Yeah, I made up that word myself. It's a combination of the words "Sheep" and "People". Regular people can't make words up themselves. Not like Tool can. Has anyone ever heard the word "Schism" before?

    No.

    Seriously. Go look it up in the dictionary. I triple dawg dare you man. I mean, sure, some dictionaries might have added the word after Tool invented it, but Tool definitely invented that word.

    But yeah, like I was saying, Tool isn't music for sheeple. You ever notice how sheep stay in herds. Tool isn't music for herd thinkers. It's music for intellectuals. You can tell their music isn't for herds because they literally pack stadiums with crowds of shitty, lowest common denonimator bro metal fans.

    They don't allow photography at their shows man. That is just vapid. Shallow. Imagery, the kind of imagery you can see with your eyes, is the lowest form of art. Unless it's a shitty Tool design on a $25 shirt that looks like a shitty stick on tattoo you got from a gumball machine in 1997. You see this design man. It's like, a guy who has been X-rayed, and he is thinking so hard, his brain is literally glowing like a neon sign. Do you know how hard you have to think for your brain to glow like a lava lamp? Pretty hard man. My brain does that now, but it's only because I've trained many years by taking bong rip fueled naps while listening to Tool on a soggy couch in a basement that contains at least three different kinds of Hep-C in its mildewy cushions.

    The only thing better than Tool is the super group A Perfect Circle, or APC for short. Their music is the pinnacle of 2004-2006 mainstream metal. They're called a perfect circle, because like, did you know that on a conceptual level, the perfect circle doesn't exist.

    If I gave you a pencil right now there is no way you could draw a perfect circle. A perfect square, fuck yeah. I can draw perfect squares in my sleep. I AM a perfect square man, but a perfect circle is literally impossible, like the music this shitty Tool supergroup plays. You might think you can draw a perfect circle with a compass and protractor, but if you get really, really close it's not perfect. Not many people know what. There are no perfect circles. Ever.

    Anyways man, here's the stuff. This is definitely the best $10 you've ever spent on weed. I know I didn't actually weigh it in front of you, but I weighed it in my mind, using sacred geometry.

    Spoiler


    Always fucking hated this band. The only band I possibly hate more is A Perfect Circle (and maybe Motley Crue and Marilyn Manson). APC and Tool are both the nadir of faux-intellectual bro metal.

    Tool is literally Nu-Metal Grateful Dead. It's like a bunch of Grateful Dead fans formed a think tank and were like, "Is there any way we could make this music even shittier?" It's the musical equivalent of a hemp bracelet coated in shit. It's like NASCAR for people who smoke weed.


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  6. #20


    Join Date: Sep 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greg McCoy View Post
    .
    I was with you until you said you hated Motley Crue. You have forgotten the face of your father.

  7. #21


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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris View Post
    I was with you until you said you hated Motley Crue. You have forgotten the face of your father.
    Motley Crue summary:
    -All the members except Mick Mars are massive douchebags/embarrassments
    -Awkwardly sandwiched in time between Van Halen, who did the same thing Motley Crue were trying to do, only way better and Guns N Roses, who did the same thing Motley Crue were trying to do only way better.
    -Have one good song, and that's mainly because the first minute is just floyd rose noises

    I guess there might be a nostalgia factor for some, but I owned Appetite for Destruction and Van Halen I way before ever checking out Motley Crue. Motley Crue has been in a sad state of denial that AFD destroyed them at their own game, playing by their rules for like three decades now. It's just sad.

  8. #22


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    Quote Originally Posted by Greg McCoy View Post
    Motley Crue summary:
    -All the members except Mick Mars are massive douchebags/embarrassments
    All musicians are massive douchebags man. You know this.

    -Awkwardly sandwiched in time between Van Halen, who did the same thing Motley Crue were trying to do, only way better and Guns N Roses, who did the same thing Motley Crue were trying to do only way better.
    The Crue set out to destroy fine poontang. Of the two bands you listed, only one member (DLR) might have had a chance at keeping up with the Crue in the destroy poontang category.

    Van Halen had several good albums, then a whole shitload of awful ones with Hagar. GNR put out IMO the best rock record ever made, but then followed it up with two pretentious shitters, a mediocre acoustic album, and then an album that took so long to put out nobody gave a shit anymore. VH changed singers and sucked. Crue changed singers for one album, and that album was actually really solid because John Corabi is a decent singer who was just in the wrong band.

    I guess there might be a nostalgia factor for some, but I owned Appetite for Destruction and Van Halen I way before ever checking out Motley Crue. Motley Crue has been in a sad state of denial that AFD destroyed them at their own game, playing by their rules for like three decades now. It's just sad.
    That's not fair though. AFD destroyed everyone. The only thing that comes close to it is Slave to the Grind, and that's a distant second. AFD is like Led Zeppelin 4. Even people who don't like it can't deny that it's one of the best rock records ever made. Crue still had a solid career long after Axl was buying hair plugs, Van Halen were suing each other for the 9th time, and Slash was teaming up with whoever he had to in order to stay relevant.

    AFD destroyed Crue at the time - no argument there. But the Crue's career destroyed GNRs. Their last tour packed arenas, and the only arenas Axl was playing were the ones where he filled in for Bryan Johnson.


  9. #23


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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris View Post
    But the Crue's career destroyed GNRs. Their last tour packed arenas, and the only arenas Axl was playing were the ones where he filled in for Bryan Johnson.
    What? The GNR reunion tour is like, the biggest tour of all time. Guns N&#39; Roses&#39; &#39;Not In This Lifetime&#39; Believed To Be Second Highest Grossing Tour Of All Time - Blabbermouth.net

    The best thing Motley Crue have done is inspire one of Aerosmith's better songs. And soon that song will be expunged from recorded history, because having a song called "Dude Looks Like A Lady" in 2019's gender politics aware climate is a media firestorm waiting to happen.



    Although according to hearsay/unconfirmed legend, Bruce Dickinson's "Tattooed Millionaire" was also inspired by Motley Crue's legendary douchery, and Bruce Dickinson's wife having a fling with Nikki Sixx, which is like, the single worst decision of all time.

    I actually feel bad for Bruce Dickinson's ex-wife, that's like trading in your Lamborghini for the car from the Flintstones, if the car from the Flintstones was carrying every venereal disease known to mankind. Who in their right mind trades the greatest artistic genius of all time for the guy with a signature bass that only has an on/off switch because he can't figure out how to use pots?


  10. #24


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    Quote Originally Posted by Greg McCoy View Post
    ...a signature bass that only has an on/off switch because he can't figure out how to use pots?
    Pots are for the weak.

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