The $200 Chris Holmes Guitar Lesson, Chapter II.
Originally Posted by Rev Drucifer
(2 months later Chris Holmes contacts you again, assuring you this time the guitar lesson will happen)
Chris Holmes: "Yeah man, I finally got a new laptop off of cragslist, those fuckers at home depot, never buying a laptop from them again"
You: "Oh great, I can't wait"
(pleasant small talk)
Chris Holmes: "Yeah man, I've never used one of these, lets see if I remember how. It's got all those icons and shit. That microsoft word shit. Gonna open that up right now, thinking of writing my memoirs. Why don't you get warmed up while I get started on this"
You: "Uh, OK"
(you warm up and for two minutes Chris Holmes sings to himself in an extremely out of tune voice, you can hear him clicking all over the place, way more clicks than it would take to open word, you wonder exactly how lucid this man is)
(suddenly Chris Holmes stops singing sleepily to himself and stumbles backwards, tipping over his chair, he stands up again and points at his screen and screams)
Chris Holmes: "FUCK. Fuck man. A talking paperclip."
You: "Excuse me?"
Chris Holmes, talking to his computer: "Fuck you, I've beat my demons, FUCK YOU. I've been clean for like (chris counts on his fingers, mumbling to himself).... what's that holiday with the eggs in the baskets? labor day? yeah I think it's labor day.....it was before that......and then we carry the one, and it was like, a leap year or something so there was no febuary so that would make it......fuck it, I don't have time for that math shit, that mental arthritis, a long time now, I don't know the exact number, but I've been clean for a long time now, I don't need you"
You being ignored by Chris Holmes: "Uh, Chris, did you finally open Microsoft word? I'm pretty sure that's the microsoft office assistant Clippy. He comes on every computer....."
Chis Holmes, ignoring you holding an animated discussion with the microsoft office assistant clippy: "No, fuck you man. Fuck you. I don't need you. If I need to hold papers together I'll just use a fucking stapler, I would rather use glue. fucking glue."
(there are weird pauses, you wonder what Clippy is saying to Chris Holmes)
Chris Holmes: "No, fuck you, fuck you man, it was you who left me."
(more pauses, it looks like Chris Holmes' blood pressure is going off the charts)
Chris Holmes: "YOU'RE ONLY STATIONARY, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN HONORABLE MAN."
Chris Holmes: "Fuck you man, you know what, you can have it. You can have it all. I'm taking my cat and I'm getting out of here. "
(Chris Holmes grabs a bag of trash which is clearly full of common household detritus and is very obviously not a cat and tucks it under his arm, gentley stroking it and saying, "it's ok little buddy, it's ok, I'm gonna enter us into a witness protection program........ a witness protection program for cats........... they'll never find us there")
(Chris Holmes walks into what is very obviously a closet carrying what he thinks is his cat and for the next five minutes you watch in disbelief as you listen to Chris Holmes alternate between increasingly irate attempts to hail a taxi and tender reassurances to his "cat" that it will soon be safe in a witness protection program for cats.
"TAXI fucking TAXI, where can I get a fucking TAXI around here? Fuck man, fucking rush hour.
No, not you little buddy, don't let papa's yelling scare you, I'm gonna enter you in witness protection program, a witness protection for cats"
Finally things hit the boiling point. and the closet door slams back open and Chris Holmes storms back in. He furiously shouts.
Chris Holmes: "You know what. Fuck it. A mans house is his castle. I'm not letting this motherfucker run my life, not again."
He grabs the laptop and in a huffing flurry of exertion, throws if off his deck. All while you are still skyping with him for the guitar lesson you presumed would actually happen this time. You wonder if you will ever receive your guitar lesson as it sails through the air and lands with a sickening crunch on the pavement.
Somehow the laptop is still working. The screen is shattered, In the distance you can hear Chris Holmes over the sound of traffic in rush hour in france. The real rush hour. Not the one in Chris Holmes closet.
Chris Holmes: "Fuck man. Fuck. My cat ran off again. Wasn't even wearing his collar. I'm gonna have to make posters and do all that shit again."