Note: This post is from Insane Guitar. Being that it is the greatest post in the history of the internet, it's copied here in the event that the original site goes away.
THE LAWS OF TRUE METAL
1) Everything can be broken down into Boolean: True or False
Blasting classical music in your car is true.
Wearing leather pants at a show is false (unless you’re an 80s rocker)
Testament are true.
Nu metal is false.
Waffle House is True
Midgets are true
Mr. T and the A-Team Van are True
2) Know the essential vocabulary and use it frequently or be dubbed false. Each word has general rules of usage and examples.
- You don’t buy something at the store, you obtain it.
- You don’t get good tone on your amp, you obtain good tone.
- “Dude, I obtained a bad ass CD today.”
- You don’t play a Testament CD in your car, you administer it.
- The “play” button on your CD player needs to be changed to “administer” or you will be dubbed false.
- “Check out this new riff I wrote.” *administers riff*
Supreme (or Ultimate)
-Can be used interchangeably with “ultimate.” Supreme is used to describe something’s supremacy.
-RULE OF GRAMMAR: Once something is proclaimed supreme, then it is known as ultimate. You can not proclaim something ultimate, but you can proclaim it supreme.
-Today I obtained a badass CD. It was then administered it. The horns were upped. Then I proclaimed it supreme.
-2nd to ultimate (supreme) or almost ultimate
-“Check out this riff, I think it is penultimate to the chorus riff.”
-At all times you must be proclaiming things. (see above description of supreme)
-Deem is a supreme word. Example: I deem Limp Bizkit false.
-Upon greeting a fellow brother of metal you say “hail.” All other greetings are false. Upon greeting a fan of the band Manowar, say “Hail Kill Hail.”
- Metal is forged, not written.
- You don’t hold your guitar, you wield it.
- Badass is the most badass word in the metal vocabulary. Can also be interchanged with “bad as fuck.”
- Any time that anything even remotely cool happens, you must proclaim it is bad ass.
- Example: Pissed off old ladies crossing the street with canes are bad ass!
- “I forged a bad ass riff today.” “Dude, that is bad as fuck!”
-Cancelled is true. It is done in conjunction with flexing. You can cancel anything that is false.
Rules of administration:
-If you see something false, flex your forearm and proclaim "cancelled."
-You come home. Your little brother is blasting rap. You walk in to his room, punch him, flex, then say "cancelled," turn it off, and administer Testament. If he mouths off to you, proclaim him canceled, flex, and then proceed to beat his ass.
-You see a kid in a Limp Bizkit shirt walking down the street. Flex at said poseur and proclaim "cancelled."
-Anything that you can not live with out.
-You must print these rules and post them on your wall. This is essential
-It is essential that jamming takes place today
3) Flexing of the forearm or triceps.
Everything in life can be solved by flexing your right forearm or triceps. Flexing the triceps is penultimate to flexing the forearm. When flexing make the sound “pfffffffffffffffffffff” with a cocky look on your face.
- You are driving a car. Some old person cuts you off and drives slower than you. You honk and flex at them.
- Something bad ass happens. You proclaim it true and then flex.
- Someone in the grocery store looks at you funny, flex at them.
- Several times a day you must just randomly flex your triceps for no reason at someone.
- Every time you see a squirrel must flex at it.
- You live in Florida. A hurricane is coming. You flex at it. It is instantly owned and leaves you and Waffle House unphased.
4) Visit the Maximal Collision Website frequently: http://www.maximalcollision.com.ar/
Valgorth is the supreme true metal warrior. If you are uninformed in the ways of true metal, he will educate you.
5) Basic List of things that are True:
This is the essential list. Print it. Carry it in your pocket. When other’s question the trueness of something, administer this list.
- Waffle House
- Tone emitted from a Mesa Boogie amplifier
- Hot foreign girls with accents
- Metronomes and Scale Books
6) Example of a discussion that is TRUE.