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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Do you live for icepick tone? Is the first Immortal album your definition of bold, strident, treble-focused glory? Do your bandmates constantly say things to you like:

- Are you sure the treble and presence are all the way up?
- If we remove the midrange knob, will that take it out even more?
- My ears are only bleeding a little bit, maybe if we boost it...

Do you really just hate good sounding pickups and want to reach the top of Shitty Tone Mountain in style? Then friends, look no more! For I have JUST the thing to take your tone to *never before reached levels of thin and brittle goodness!

BEHOLD THE DIMARZIO CRUNCH LAB 7



This came in my USA Made™ John Petrucci™ Music Man™ guitar, so it obviously goes without saying that this pickup will make everything you play sound exactly like Awake. There's no way that a man who has this not-at-all-ridiculous-looking beard would ever use anything but the best and you know it.



This sweet piece of Americana surely won't last, because I'm offering it up at an **MG-only price of just $40 shipped! That's right! For a mere forty dollars you can turn ***any guitar that you own into something worth of every church-burning in Finland.

*unless you already own one
** i'm putting it on ebay too
*** as long as it fits seven string pickups, or you are rocka

Step right up and get yourself a sweet fucking CrapLab, and may all your djent miming dreams come true. This totally DOES djent! In fact that's all it does, because if you play djent then you deserve this pickup. It's like a match made in product-schilling, instagram filtering, step editing shit you can't actually play because you spend all your time youtubing instead of practicing heaven!

I'll even throw in this pre-Photoshopped edit free of charge. Tell your followers that this is what it looks like in person. You'll never meet them anyway so they'll never know. Hell, tell them this is your guitar too, I don't care!



This amazing deal is sure not to last, so hurry up and hit that reply button to make this piece of shit pickup all yours!

Q&A:

Q: Will this pickup fit in my (insert guitar here)?
A: Fuck you.

Q: How does it sound in (insert tonewood here)?
A: Fuck you.

Q: How much lead is on it?
A: Fuck you, it's still in the guitar. Probably 6 inches, but I'll take it when the replacement arrives.
A: PS: Fuck you.

Q: Will you ship it to non-CONUS?
A: Fuck you.

Q: Want to trade it for (insert item here)?
A: Fuck you.

Q: Hey it's me Zepp...
A: Fuck you.
 

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I am Groot
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32,450 Posts

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I will also throw in a fancy colored user title for anyone who buys this. The color will be hot pink, and the text will say "I'm an asshole". You will not be able to edit it.
 

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Hates Richie Kotzen
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14,719 Posts
There's no way that a man who has this not-at-all-ridiculous-looking beard would ever use anything but the best and you know it.
Will this pickup automatically make any beard more ridiculous by sheer virtue of ownership, or will it only bring a non bearded face up to Petrucci levels?
 

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I am Groot
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32,450 Posts
:cunt:
 

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OldSchool Blacksmith
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2,866 Posts
:scratch: Hmmmm... sounds intriguing but something about the sales pitch isn't quite winning me over... :scratch:
 
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